Sharing feelings

Also finding this grief thing very difficult to deal with---feel like I am living some one else's life. Making the motions of living in public----I walk, I talk, I breathe, I smile, etc.----all is automatic ---no feeling with anything except the the touch of grief that tears at my heart. I wait for Sonny to come home and to get a phone call from Kelli. Have never had anything I could not rationalize or figure out---until now. I ask myself---Now what is this all about?

Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote about the stages of grief. Not very helpful---Liz! I am well aware of the stages----it's like working and bringing a problem to your boss without a having a solution. I am well aware of the problem---where is the solution? In reality I know we must all deal with this on our own level----and the clock ticks. Waiting for it to get better.

I, like LJ---am still wearing the blue bracelet---feeling all that went into it to making it materialize. I, too, am digging into projects--namely garden, house maintenance, keeping up with summer yard work, doing daily puzzles, calling/e-mailing family--(sometimes pleasure calls, sometimes ranting, sometimes meaningless chatter, but always love the sound of the voice on the other end of the phone.)

THINGS I AM DOING AND NOTICING: Started taking naps a couple of weeks ago----did not realize how the last few months have caught up with me. Have had soreness in my right knee ---especially noticed it when kneeling at Church/working in the garden and just realized it was the knee I bent to the floor everyday to help Pop on with his shoes and socks. Talk about being out of touch---the damn thing hurts. I am trying to work on less ranting, preserving my vulnerability, trying to be positive, working on what I say---knowing that what is said comes into existence.

What am I thankful for? I am thankful for each and every one of my family members. I cherish the times spent visiting with you and having each of you in my life.

What would Pop and Kelli expect from all of us? Think they would want us to all stay very close and in touch with one another. Remember Pop saying after Ken died--"I will never get over it but I know I have to get on with it." Think they would want us not to grieve and be sad. They both enjoyed their lives and were the best.

Love,
Mom

Guest Blogger: Lindsay

During the past couple months it has been pretty hard coping with the reality of what has happened and I will admit I have a hard time, still, trying to grasp what a huge loss I feel.

So I will start by saying I am still rockin' the blue wrist band. I can't let it go, but it does stir emotions when people ask what it represents. I would like to be able to explain to them what my Grandfather and my Aunt meant to me, how amazing they were, and how deeply upset I am. As grief goes, I have felt uncontrollably sad, hopeless and angry. I have buried myself with projects and work to try to take my mind off of these feelings, and I feel like I have lost sight of things that I wanted to accomplish after coming back home. I want to rekindle my loving intentions, and pick up the phone a little more often, send out more emails, and plan more trips to Wichita, Minneapolis, Texas and if you're lucky, Virginia, too.

I have felt comforted, though, thinking about how great it was to have Raymond Ashpole as my grandfather, and I like to think we had a pretty cool relationship that didn't involve a whole lot of talking or common interests. I have been trying to reflect on what would make him proud, and how I can live a little bit more by his example.

The things I am working on:
1. Focussing on my greatest accomplishments; my children.
2. Extending love to my relatives and relatives-in-law, and trying to be a more humble person.
3. Attending more Yankees games.

So, I will end with a question for all readers of this blog: How has everyone else been?